I took my son to his dentist appointment, his first to be exact. State funded insurance. Like most things government run it standards are particular to the area in which you live. I found myself in spring branch 77055…english is not used and having lived in 3rd world countries before, the scene did not shock me but it certainly stirred up emotions as to what I should do with my life. Lets be more specific, it made me realize that like it or not…be it a conspiracy or an act of involuntary fruition…the poor are slowly being culled from the proverbial herd. I didn’t leave the third world to be thrown into another.
Have I wasted time… perhaps, but the past is now out of my control..I have no delorean (which by the way is a shitty choice of vehicle if you want to reach top speeds quickly aside from the cool doors they have no true allure..hence they died after the 80s). The immediate solution is of course to go through the bureaucracy and change my primary care provider to something closer to my area and obviously more agreeable to my standards. Most people would have seen this as the simple solution to a simple problem, but I saw things deeper I saw rooted sense of urgency. Sure I would trade one shitty situation for a less shitty one and go about my way but thats not what I´m about. It aint how I roll, If I´m going to survive this proletariat holocaust which like it or not is coming then I better smarten the F up and quick.
This pressure to move move move I´ve put on myself for some time. Its not easy to smell the roses and although my days are filled with responsibilities with taking care of a family and houshold with all its burdens, I feel like I am merely existing at the end of the day…simply surviving or to be more exact wasting time and bringing me closer to oblivion.
I forget sometimes that many in my position would simply stay on the couch and wait to travel form one meeting to the next out of fear that any more responsibility would lead to relapse or insanity. Not to toot my own horn but if you knew me then you would know that I´m a person that needs to be told to relax and take credit for my small achievements now and then. But that is not enough for me, so i drive myself to stress under the immense pressure I put under myself to perform the impossible, return to school (something realistic …no PHD in astrophysics for me) and have the perks of decent healthcare and a sustainable life or suffer the inevitable consequences. I know of neuroplasticity and although it seems impossible many like me have done far greater things. Through this platform I could hope to shoot off into a state of higher wealth and prepare for the apocalypse. Its not so much a choice but a necessity…which i guess is lucky for me. Choices ruin a man, its when you are stripped of your freedom that you are at the highest point of liberty..liberty from your own self. I thank god for driving me into this life but I curse the arduous path laid out for me because dreaming of doing things is far easier than actually doing them. Movies last an average of 80-120 mins (unless we´re talkin schindlers list or that freakin hobbit movie that had like 20 endings before the credits actually rolled). Movies dont capture the day to day battles that lead to the arch or the change of the protagonist into something greater. To quote the great Christopher moltisanti “Its like the regularness of life is gettin to me”.
This is when we are forced to set humanism aside and look on towards the horizon..spirituality…I tend to over obsess and go off into a tangent but it is in this tangent that we find our answers. To climb into the depths of hell only to reach up and out time and time again. It separates the men from the mice. All the while keeping humility too.. which separates the men from the megalomaniacs. We need the help of the heavens to truly achieve the impossible. Humanism is after all what brought on this impending holocaust…putting faith in humans lead to the decision to wipe out the burdens of humanity…be it for the earths sake or for the march of progress..new world order blah blah..any half brain dead internet navigator knows what I´m talking about…but its one thing to know and its another to transform yourself from whining victim into survivor and I wondered why great magnates were so cynical.. cite any rags to riches story and you´ll find a man who finds failure from others unacceptable. The few great leaders who also maintained their humility and love for humanity..those are the ones that should truly be emulated. But we can learn form all, (to be fair) at least in some way everyone is a teacher of something.
WE need a spiritual society but we also need to play the game, the system or “machine” can not be changed at least not form the outside…we must join the ranks of the oppressors if we hope to change the world but we risk losing ourselves and becoming one of them. That is why we must constantly humble ourselves the more we advance. 300 bows or 30 mins of bowing while reciting the lords prayer is my way, it brings focus and also shows your gratitude towards something greater than myself. Balancing act of the world we live in and the one we can not see.
For me anyway, it will begin with my continuing commitment to brain education, consistent training and discipline molds the mind…doing what seems too hard at times. Also the groups, free therapy, a comfort zone and also a lesson in humility not just the awe of those who have made it but the acceptance of those who might never make it. This is easier said than done when society has little room for those who have been afflicted by demons. We are burdens just as those at the state sponsored clinic, they dont care about your race or your personal history..age sex or creed…your ability to play the game..specifically to make money is the only thing that separates those that will be eliminated and those that will hope to survive.
But it is a daily battle. So Just for today but all the while planning for tomorrow…I have not the answers but lord willing they will be revealed if I follow the path. Thank you for taking my will for I have not earned that right yet…I had squandered it and I give it up willingly. Take my will and my life and show me the way, I will follow with little resistance but I will bitch and moan until it becomes a force of habit..sorry bigun but I´m only human I guess…thats what we do best, complain.
Life looks bleak until you find the right path or until you learn to make a habit of changing your perception despite the reality taken in the with the five senses…but still you need to be atleast wandering towards a path.
NO ANSWERS (thats my sign off/tag /catch phrase/whatevs)