A letter to mom

“things too personal to share sometimes must be posted in the most public of forums…”

 

I came home before the sun came up for the first time, stressed tired and glad to be off for the weekend.

I got into the shower and to my sursprise evan was awake and had taken his clothes off and got into the shower with me.
He was half asleep and the only time he is docile enough to hold him.  he sat in my lap as the warm water fell upon us and i hummed a melody from childhood, a song my father had sung to me as a boy.
In that instant the universe opened itself to me and i was finally able to see how my hatred justifiable as it maybe was holding me back.
A complicated man, more than lousy father and monster of a husband when he wanted to be but that song reminded that however dim it may be now he once had a soul.
The reason I am writing this to you is for you…let me explain.
One day I will be gone, or further away and as much as we like to think our family will be as united as the partridges it is simply unrealistic.
The point I am getting to is that unlike other mothers and sons we are also peers and friends, which gives me the advantage of tapping into a wealth of knowledge that a mother could not give only an older friend….you get an inside look at you own parenting and a glimpse inside the mind of your children’s deepest crevices.
What am I leading into…
For the first time in my life, I received validation that i had been seeking for over a decade..the confirmation from the only human being that mattered to me in this particular issue…when you for the first time affirmed that I/we had endured a “lousy father”….I want you to understand deeply how important and significant it was for me to here.  I point this out to you because in your mind it might not have been transcendental, maybe in your head it was already a fact that you assumed all of us understood but would not vocalize for fear of creating an affirmation that would lead to resentment and disrespect toward him.  In reality,  ¡the only thing I ever wanted from you and you specifically was that..confirmation, approval and support that my complaints and sorrow was not unrecognized, for although my wife, friends, stepfather, relatives all talked openly and agreed with me…the only persons opinion that truly mattered was yours because only you knew the truth, you were there.
For the first time in my life you took my side, our side, the children’s side, like the mothers you read about who defend their kids against wild animals or moving trains.  When i finally received that approval, my fight was ended and a great burden melted off my heart.  Inside beneath he frustration and resentment was love, for my father.  You see once you publicly spoke the words, the shift of energy changed within our family.  Now I can begin the long road of learning how to accept and love who he is or was inside without letting the monster that possesses him hurt me or my family.
I know it is confusing to understand, but I know as you think about it more and more you will…I write to you so you can place another page in the manual for successfully rasing children inna sickened world and amoral society(no easy task).  What may have been simple and unnecessary to you was life changing for me, and likewise will be to my siblings.
So thank you, the rest is up to me but never think we are independent that we must fight our own battles, we are alone in our quests true, but we are also connected in more ways than i care to imagine, and something you do on any given day with a complete stranger could have a non linear effect onto one of us, I try and live my life this way, with the beauty and magic in every moment, but had you not had the bravery to take back your children and not just half heartedly but full by putting your very life on the line, I would never had been able to continue on with my life without passing on my hurt and pain onto my son.
So you see we fight our own battles but we all fight the war together.
and when it is all over we reunite and celebrate with our loved ones, in a place that knows no pain or anguish, no judgement or prejudice, no strife and grief, no death or illness.
But like you taught me…nothing worthwhile is without sacrifice…

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